The ties that bind…”attachment system”.

The ties that binds us are stronger than the occasional stresses that separates us-Colin Powell.

Kola and Shade had just sent their two daughters off to college,on the way home she felt a little blue. She reached for Kola’s hand, to which he responded,”No,can’t you see I’m driving”. Yes in her mind she knows he’s driving,and was trying to bury all the emotion of letting the girls off inside, deep inside she felt vulnerable. His comment felt rejecting.

She really needed a bit of comforting,but instead of expressing herself,she folded arms and looked out of the window for the rest of the ride home in silence.

“Are you alright?”, Jack asked.

“What am I supposed to be alright? You drive fast, You don’t want to stop for lunch- what do you expect? the feeling of hurt and anger overwhelmed her as she responded to her husband.

I know he loves me,so why do I feel rejected by his not wanting to hold my hands?


Anita sat in front of her Mac Notebook,trying to sort out her emails, send correspondence to her overseas colleagues.

 Kayode paced back and forth,trying to get her attention. as he mumbled under his breath,”Woman, you have been glued to this gadgets for days now. You are not even aware of what’s happening around you”.

Kayode was capable of picking up the slack around the house while she goes about her paperwork and other correspondence but he missed his wife! Though he felt sad and alone. He also felt hurt and angry.

One night,an argument ensued, and Kayode couldn’t bottle the emotion any longer, ‘This House is in chaos,Anita because  you are yet to learn how to balance your life”.

She didn’t see that coming. Hearing Kayode’s criticism, Anita felt attacked and unsupported,and so she defended herself. who’s right and who’s wrong now?  Kayode actually wanted his wife to see how much he had missed  and for them to find time to spend together.. Kayode became silent and withdrawn!

Sometimes we all wonder why being connected to our spouse is so important? when we missed our husbands and our wives,why do we feel a mixture of sadness and anger? I am sure most of us can find ourselves in the above scenario one way or another.

Why is it a big deal when we feel a little ounce of rejection,when we feel  our spouse understanding enough,or considerate or even close enough?

I believe it is because  God created us that way, we were designed to be in a close and connected relationship with God and others. The love connection we experience in our most significant relationship means the world to us!

We come into our utmost highest when  we live connected to God and to those we care about and who care about us. we were created for connection,and our relationships are equally vital to our wellbeing.

I can honestly attest to this truth, sometimes ago I felt like a gap  was between hubby and I and I was trying to grab his attention for days to no avail, and at the same time, it was as if all other areas were affected we just felt like strangers within that period of time. Everything that could go wrong went wrong, just because of miscommunication.

I wanted his attention and he longed for my support,we just couldn’t commuinicate it, we were both hurt and angry until we could talk it out!

God created within each one of us,an attachment system and the purpose of the system is to help us stay connected with others,in the bid to stay connected there is a mechanism  that .. makes us feel powerful emotions and also make us respond in certain ways  when our connection with either our spouses, siblings,children or friends are not optimal.

In marriage,this attachment system keeps us close and connected to our spouse, and also sends alarm when we are not. It’s like a two-edged sword, not only does it connect us,it also causes to react and argue with each other at the slightest provocation.

I was listening to Jim Evans on Marriage Today onTBN Network,and he said something profound about our attachment system and its significance in our upbringing. The way your parents and loved ones interacted with you,responded to you,nurture and emotionally connected with you laid down a pattern”unconsciously” for how you love and react in your marriage today.

That got me on my feet for a moment, How profound is that?  You know the ties that bound you and your spouse when you first met each other, the attachment kept your interest and attention and helped you fall in love and the rest they say is history.

In marriage, the attachment grew as you both became very important to each other, and up to this moment, you still argue and fight  to keep this ties that binds.  

No wonder, the wise king Solomon in all his wisdom, couldn’t comprehend the mystery between the man and the woman.

There are three things  that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand….. the way of a man with a young woman. Pro 30:18-19b.

I will like to read your views on this, how can you manage the ties so that it doesn’t break?


Thank you.




4 Comments Add yours

  1. This happens in every marriage or even relationship. There are just times like that and as long as there are no real issues gone wrong, I just carry on normally until he gets out of the mood.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The inherent desire to love is the way God made us because He wanted the devotion first. We all, not saying marriage is the only relationship to connect to, have a strong desire to be loved. Miscommunication is a tool used by the enemy. I do believe that when we are feeling a certain type of way-in our emotions-we must remember that things need to be said. However, the key is to treat the other person as you would like to be treated when you need to say something uncomfortable. Respect the other person the way you would like to be respected. No name calling, pointing fingers and remembering to describe how you feel. Instead of saying “you did this to me”, you say instead “I was feeling sad or hurt because.” No hitting below the belt. Words said in a heated moment can never be retracted. You can be forgiven but the moment is an indelible print on the other person’s soul.

    Another key is to pray before you present something to your spouse. Instead of checking our emotions and praying about the way we feel to get God’s perspective, we just react to the emotion. Learning to surrender and lay it out before God first is necessary. The Word says be angry and sin not. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. This means that God understands you might just need a moment. I have to say that when I was married, I used to get silent before I responded to a questionable situation. I would actually say to my spouse that I needed some time because I didn’t want to say something I would regret. While he was not always understanding, I do appreciate this method for myself and am grateful for many ungodly things that were never released because of an emotion. Just my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. kingsoracle says:

      I quite agree with your thought,because we are made in the image of God and the utmost desire of God is communication as it cuts across all sphere of relationship,not only marriage. I also believe that when we learn to put others ahead of ourselves, we might be able to manage some of this crisis. DO NOT THINK HIGHLY OF YOURSELF,and also trying to feel what the other person may be going through can also help us. thanksfor your contribution. Great to hear from you .*hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

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